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“Our Thoughts and Prayers”: A Pro-Gun Politician's Invocation

“Our Thoughts and Prayers”: A Pro-Gun Politician's Invocation
Wed, 10/31/2018 - by John Ficarra

According to data from the Gun Violence Archive, the shooting at the Tree of Life Synagogue in Pittsburgh this past Saturday, which left 11 dead and six wounded, was the 294th mass shooting incident in the United States this year. (A mass shooting is defined as one in which four or more people are shot or killed.)

As has become customary after one of these shootings, politicians took to the airwaves and their Twitter accounts to offer their “thoughts and prayers” to the victims and their families. But at the end of the day, when they are alone in their Capitol offices, what “prayer” do these elected officials really recite? I'm not authorized to speak for any politician, or the Almighty, but I suspect their prayer might go something like this...

Oh Heavenly Father, we come to you once again at this time of great personal crisis.

Please grant us the wisdom to successfully lead astray those who ask why, as these violent mass shootings multiply, we continue to do nothing.

Give us the strength to stand steadfast against the tide of hellacious polls that show overwhelming support for back-ground checks and a ban on military grade weapons.

We beseech you, dear Lord, smite those who rise up and seek to deprive worshippers of the Second Amendment their God-given right to multiply their number of guns, much like your son once multiplied loaves of bread and fish. Praise Jesus!

Help us defeat them and their gun safety legislation. May it, like all the previous gun legislation that has come before us, be cast out of the Congress and sent to the flames of hell for all eternity.

Remember Lord, too, those who prosper in the making and trafficking of guns. May they continue to enjoy the fruits of their labor. May they continue to prey on the fears of the multitude by selling them guns, guns and more guns everlasting.

But most of all, may these disciples of arms continue to shower upon us their blessings in the form of tithes to our re-election campaigns. For this we most fervently pray.

We implore you, Dear Lord, to help us get through this difficult time. Keep us on the righteous path as prescribed by the NRA, upon whose altar we worship, now and forever and ever. Amen.

 

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