Read

User menu

Search form

Billionaires Warn Higher Taxes Could Prevent Them From Buying Politicians

Billionaires Warn Higher Taxes Could Prevent Them From Buying Politicians
Mon, 12/10/2012 - by Andy Borowitz
This article originally appeared on The Borowitz Report

Introducing a new wrinkle into the already fraught fiscal cliff showdown, a consortium of billionaires today warned that if their taxes are raised they will no longer have enough money to buy politicians.

The group, led by casino billionaire Sheldon Adelson, commissioned a new study showing that the cost of an average politician has soared exponentially over the past decade.

While the American family has seen increases in the cost of food, health care and education, Mr. Adelson says, “those costs don’t compare with the cost of buying a politician, which has gone through the roof.”

The casino billionaire points to his group’s study, which puts the cost of purchasing an average House member at two million dollars and an average senator at several times that.

“And let’s say you buy a Senator like [South Carolina Senator] Jim DeMint and he decides to quit,” Mr. Adelson says. “Good luck trying to get your money back.”

The Vegas magnate complains that the media has ignored billionaires’ essential role in giving jobs to politicians who would otherwise have difficulty finding “honest work of any kind.”

“Billionaires are providing employment for a group of seriously incompetent and marginal people,” Mr. Adelson says. “You raise taxes on us, and who’s going to create those jobs? I really don’t think people have thought this through.”

Adding insult to injury for America’s billionaires, he says, “the simple dream of someday owning a President is slipping out of reach.”

“People think a billion dollars buys you a President, but they’re wrong,” he says. “It barely gets you a lemon like Mitt Romney.”

3 WAYS TO SHOW YOUR SUPPORT

ONE-TIME DONATION

Just use the simple form below to make a single direct donation.

DONATE NOW

MONTHLY DONATION

Be a sustaining sponsor. Give a reacurring monthly donation at any level.

GET SOME MERCH!

Now you can wear your support too! From T-Shirts to tote bags.

SHOP TODAY

Sign Up

Article Tabs

The American people clearly spoke, and the drubbing Democrats received requires looking beyond just issue polls, voting patterns, campaign strategy, or get-out-the-vote tactics.

The recent decisions by two of the most influential national newspapers of record to not publish their endorsements of Vice President Kamala Harris says a lot about how seriously they take Trump’s threats to democracy and his promises of vengeance against his enemies.

On the eve of the historic November vote, it seems important to ask: What's wrong with men, how did we get here, and can we change this?

As Trump’s campaign grows increasingly bizarre, his team appears to be more tightly controlling his movements and carefully scripting his public appearances to minimize the negative impact his erratic behavior may have on undecided voters in swing states.

Throughout history, fascist governments have had a similar reliance on the use of lies as a weapon to take and retain power.

The country has never moved as close to the course it took under Benito Mussolini as it is doing now — and even if Meloni is not a neo-fascist politician, she has put herself in a position to appeal to and broaden fascism's political base.

The American people clearly spoke, and the drubbing Democrats received requires looking beyond just issue polls, voting patterns, campaign strategy, or get-out-the-vote tactics.

The recent decisions by two of the most influential national newspapers of record to not publish their endorsements of Vice President Kamala Harris says a lot about how seriously they take Trump’s threats to democracy and his promises of vengeance against his enemies.

On the eve of the historic November vote, it seems important to ask: What's wrong with men, how did we get here, and can we change this?

As Trump’s campaign grows increasingly bizarre, his team appears to be more tightly controlling his movements and carefully scripting his public appearances to minimize the negative impact his erratic behavior may have on undecided voters in swing states.

On the eve of the historic November vote, it seems important to ask: What's wrong with men, how did we get here, and can we change this?

Posted 1 month 2 days ago

Former President Donald Trump is now openly fantasizing about deputizing death squads against Americans.

Posted 1 month 2 weeks ago

Throughout history, fascist governments have had a similar reliance on the use of lies as a weapon to take and retain power.

Posted 1 month 2 weeks ago

The American people clearly spoke, and the drubbing Democrats received requires looking beyond just issue polls, voting patterns, campaign strategy, or get-out-the-vote tactics.

Posted 2 weeks 17 hours ago

The recent decisions by two of the most influential national newspapers of record to not publish their endorsements of Vice President Kamala Harris says a lot about how seriously they take Trump’s threats to democracy and his promises of vengeance against his enemies.

Posted 1 month 1 min ago

The American people clearly spoke, and the drubbing Democrats received requires looking beyond just issue polls, voting patterns, campaign strategy, or get-out-the-vote tactics.