I have a confession to make. I am still terrified of vampires. I was obsessed with vampires as a kid. I used to watch “Dark Shadows” at 4pm every afternoon after school. For those that don’t remember Barnabas Collins, “Dark Shadows” was a gothic soap opera in the 1970s. There was a lot of shadow lurking going on, heaving bosoms, exposed long white necks and fog. Also fangs. Did I mention fangs? I used to sleep with my neck covered no matter how hot it was for years and years because I didn’t want my neck exposed to potential vampires that might drain me dry in my sleep. Sure, the deal is you get to live forever, but you have to drain other people dry in order to stay alive, roaming meadows in a nightgown in the fog...

Now, I’ve never been a morning person, but walking around through eternity with long pointed teeth and a vacant stare does not sound appealing to me. The thing is, though, with vampires there are certain rules that must be followed according to the legend. One of the rules of vampire engagement is that the victim must invite the vampire in. Crazy huh? There’s a sort of polite rule to becoming a victim and having your life blood sucked out of you on a nightly basis. It’s a seduction of sorts. The code of vampirism involves the victim to be willing.

Vampires are shape shifters. They come in all shapes, sizes and forms – wolves, the old eerie seeping vapors under the door, bats, crazy loons that eat flies, bad boyfriends, corporate Wall Street banks, Hollywood moguls dangling stardom and a three-picture deal... with a catch, which brings me (as an obvious segue) to Wells Fargo bank. Wells Fargo Sucks. It’s no longer word on the street. It’s legit big fat news.

Wells Fargo is the Harvey Weinstein of banks. They have exposed themselves again and again and again as a criminal, scandal-ridden, deviously bloodthirsty enterprise whose sole purpose is to drain consumers dry on every level: creating fake accounts, bogus insurance policies, wrongful foreclosures, repossession of veterans homes and vehicles, funding the Dakota Access Pipeline, investing in the private prison industry which creates literal slaves for free labor, all the while feeding on willing victims who continue to bank with this vampiric corporation. Blood money is on your hands and the crime scene is your local convenient branch. “The blood is the life,” as Dracula used to say.

The repetition is a bit perverse at this point, don’t you think? If this were a bank-themed soap opera, I’d be channel surfing by now. I wouldn’t have to keep my neck covered because I would not willingly sign up with a mega bank that sucks like this. It’s just toxic, cheesy and bad taste. Where is the spittoon? Wells Fargo is really renowned now at top bank level sucking. Even more than Bank of America and JPMorgan Chase – other tribal members of the vampire order. (Incidentally there’s a group on Facebook called “Wells Fargo Sucks!!!” Be sure to join the one with three exclamation points.) This bank is a living breathing unstoppable sucking machine.

Just this week the Fed Chair Janet Yellen made her exit, but as a last swan song gesture of final farewell, she kissed Wells Fargo on each cheek as she simultaneously plunged a steel rod in their chest and, in doing so, whispered in their ear, "Cease and desist Mother Sucker,” basically putting them on a cheaters diet. Well, I added the “Mother Sucker” part for drama, but the cease and desist is real. Wells cannot grow their minions any further until they prove to mommy that they have stopped the cheating, over-sucking and “persistent misconduct.” Like a bartender at the blood bath, Wells is cut off due to the gluttonous patterns of self enrichment, millions of victims, and such egregious bad behavior that they literally give other vampires a bad rap. The Fed wrote a letter to the Wells Fargo Board of Directors stating as much.

Perhaps the company slogan brought about by John Stumpf, “Eight is great” may need to change to “Forgive us as of late, we just overate.” But isn’t that always the way with vampires and gluttonous greedy corporations? More more more. More is never enough. Bones must be picked over, discarded, used as toothpicks and trophies until the next endeavor in power structuring and massive profit sharing is constructed.

This week again in Wells Fargo news, after years of trying to clean up numerous crime scenes generated by illegal banking practices, it has been reported that customers received notices that their accounts were drained to zero due to a bank “glitch” at Wells Fargo causing many customer accounts to be emptied as to bills and mortgages paid twice, fees assessed for bounced checks and/or overdraft fines based on the bank’s inability to operate without leaving a trail of death and destruction in their daily functioning as a financial entity.

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Oh Wells Fargo, you had one job! Barnabas Collins has nothing on these banks other than pointed ears and a creepy hypnotic stare. Like Barnabas and Dracula, Wells Fargo actually has victims/clients/consumers that sign up for this abuse! See how the vampire legend plays out in this metaphor I’m shape shifting here? Wells Fargo customers, have you looked in the mirror lately? If you don’t see a reflection, perhaps it’s because you are a victim and didn’t even realize it, or figured these abuses just won’t happen to you. Cheaters aren’t sexy. You are the one with the problem because it’s what YOU allow. While you slept, your financial blood flow has been devoured by a predatory monster that thrives on your apathy, bringing the connected karma of harm to others. You have become an unwitting handmaiden to the ghastly beast. Wake the hell up, would you? Grab a big shiny cross, a garlic necklace and join the rosy cheeked living for God’s sake and move your money.

The #MeToo movement is a long overdue awakening and a revolution of women rising with those pesky marks on their necks, coming to their senses after centuries of being victimized, abused, burned at the stake, raped, harassed, overpowered, and made to feel voiceless in order to keep their jobs/careers/forward motion. The #MeToo movement needs to apply to everyone who has willingly signed up with predator banks like Wells Fargo and Bank of America to take their power back.

This tipping point is a wake-up call on every level, not just the female. The only way to escape being a sucker, the sucked, a victim, is to align yourself with a healthy bank. Divorce yourself from the oppressors, bullies and bloodsuckers in your life, business, or relationships. Your money or your life. Your money is energy, power, a currency that vampires, cannibals and “suits” can smell – as is your complacency to harm done and fraud exposed on every level. Don’t offer it up like a lily white throbbing jugular to a ravenous shadow dweller promising you immortality, fangs of your own and a free checking account. Pearls before swine much?

Harvey Weinstein built his entire empire around his predatory sexual fetishes. Again and again he offered young women parts in movies, starring roles, contracts and more in exchange for their sexual favors, to be voyeurs as he exposed himself repeatedly, or pleasured himself at their expense and repressed disgust – all with the help of his paid assistants, handmaidens to the lustful perversely sick abuse of power. “Don’t throw away a beautiful friendship for what will take five minutes baby.”

An entire career snuffed if Ms. Starlet said “no.” Maybe she/they should not have gone to his hotel room to do business but with other “working” women in the room. What could go wrong? The only thing worse than men that rape or abuse women are other women that look the other way, or in this case, actually participate in the feeding frenzy.

Like Harvey Weinstein, Wells Fargo have exposed themselves again and again for what and who they are: a predatory life sucking, money laundering criminal enterprise that victims continue to expose their silky shoulders to, their life savings offered up by allowing auto debits on a regular basis. Feed the monster, come what may.

So the next time you think it won’t happen to you as you walk through double doors under that big blood red sign at a convenient Wells Fargo branch, keep in mind that even if you wear a turtle neck and scarf, it is their nature to entice, welcome, smile, flirt, and direct you to the next teller who happily waits for you too offer up what they need to feed on to survive. #Resist. Immortality isn’t what it’s cracked up to be. Don’t be fooled by having sympathy for the devil. And remember, Wells Fargo Sucks bigly.

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