Read

User menu

Search form

Your Daily Dose of Satire: "N.R.A. Defends Right to Own Politicians"

Your Daily Dose of Satire: "N.R.A. Defends Right to Own Politicians"
Wed, 1/30/2013 - by Andy Borowitz
This article originally appeared on The Borowitz Report

In testimony before the Senate Judiciary Committee today, National Rifle Association C.E.O. Wayne LaPierre warned that the N.R.A. would vigorously oppose any legislation that “limits the sale, purchase, or ownership of politicians.”

“Politicians pose no danger to the public if used correctly,” said Mr. LaPierre, who claims to have over two hundred politicians in his personal collection. “Everyone hears about the bad guys in Congress. Well, the only thing that stops a bad guy with a vote is a good guy with a vote. I’m proud to be the owner of many of those guys.”

Mr. LaPierre’s comments drew a sharp rebuke from Carol Foyler, a politician-control advocate who has spent the past twelve years lobbying for stricter limits on the sale of politicians.

“Right now, a man like Wayne LaPierre can walk right into Congress and buy any politician he wants,” she said. “There’s no background check, no waiting period. And so hundreds of politicians are falling into the hands of people who are unstable and, quite frankly, dangerous.”

In addition to limiting the sale of politicians, Ms. Foyler said, it is time for society to take a look at the “sheer number” of politicians in the U.S.: “There’s no doubt that we would be safer if there were fewer of them.”

For his part, the N.R.A. leader ended his testimony by serving notice that he would “resist any attempt” to take away the hundreds of elected officials he says are legally his.

As if to illustrate that point, he clutched Sen. Chuck Grassley (R-Iowa) close to his chest and bellowed, “From my cold, dead hands.”

3 WAYS TO SHOW YOUR SUPPORT

ONE-TIME DONATION

Just use the simple form below to make a single direct donation.

DONATE NOW

MONTHLY DONATION

Be a sustaining sponsor. Give a reacurring monthly donation at any level.

GET SOME MERCH!

Now you can wear your support too! From T-Shirts to tote bags.

SHOP TODAY

Sign Up

Article Tabs

The world has lost an incredible thinker and doer. I have lost an amazing friend. A void exists where before it was filled with David's optimism, humour and joy.

Kevin Zeese speaks at a rally for Chelsea Manning. By Ellen Davidson.

Kevin fought to bring truth every day. We must not lose this struggle.

To win the climate argument, advocates must show how Covid-19 bailout funds could be redirected – instead of making similar mistakes as the 2008 financial crisis.

The most analogous failure to the impending economic turbulence is the financial crisis of 2008, caused, primarily, by the deregulation of the financial industry.

#MeToo, India sexism, women's rights, sexual abuse

Activists are continuing the fight but are exhausted, balancing careers and a movement, that, to most, has become a personal battle.

The world has lost an incredible thinker and doer. I have lost an amazing friend. A void exists where before it was filled with David's optimism, humour and joy.

Kevin Zeese speaks at a rally for Chelsea Manning. By Ellen Davidson.

Kevin fought to bring truth every day. We must not lose this struggle.

David Graeber at his home in Manhattan in in 2005. A public intellectual, professor, political activist and author, he captivated a cult following that grew globally with each book he published over the last decade.Credit...Jennifer S. Altman for NYT

He wrote about crushing debt, pointless jobs and the negative effects of globalization. And he played a leading role in the Occupy Wall Street movement.

To win the climate argument, advocates must show how Covid-19 bailout funds could be redirected – instead of making similar mistakes as the 2008 financial crisis.

The most analogous failure to the impending economic turbulence is the financial crisis of 2008, caused, primarily, by the deregulation of the financial industry.

The world has lost an incredible thinker and doer. I have lost an amazing friend. A void exists where before it was filled with David's optimism, humour and joy.

Posted 6 days 12 hours ago
Kevin Zeese speaks at a rally for Chelsea Manning. By Ellen Davidson.

Kevin fought to bring truth every day. We must not lose this struggle.

David Graeber at his home in Manhattan in in 2005. A public intellectual, professor, political activist and author, he captivated a cult following that grew globally with each book he published over the last decade.Credit...Jennifer S. Altman for NYT

He wrote about crushing debt, pointless jobs and the negative effects of globalization. And he played a leading role in the Occupy Wall Street movement.